一位已踏入45歲的熟女在我的辦公室內苦苦痛哭。與她共渡十二載的男友，竟然為了一個只認識了十個月的年輕女人與她分手。

 

　　聽後你可能會心有戚戚，但對於我們，這種情況實在是司空見慣，普通不過。為了等他的一句求婚，白白付出五年、六年、七年、十年，甚至更多的青春年華，而不反思自己有沒有做錯的女人是何等幼稚。感情的摧毀既深且痛。一些女人需要較長的時間來療情傷，但能夠治癒已是幸運。有部分被出賣的女人因傷口太深永遠不能癒合。

 

　　見慣以上種種傷害，故我們指導顧客要盡可能決絕地遠離那些於兩年內仍不願許下婚姻誓言的男友。兩年的時間是非常長。修讀一個MBA學位、製作一套電影、構寫一本書、生兩個寶寶、建一棟摩天大廈、學習駕駛直昇機都是兩年內可以完成的事。事實是假若他把你看做一生渴求的伴侶，你倆該早早結婚了。關鍵在此，如果有一個好的、堅定不移的原因驅使你等待，你便要開誠佈公地與他討論，並為此事定下時間表。若雙方沒有共識，這樣做只是單方面施加「壓力」，但至少你會清楚自己在關係上的位置。若雙方互有共識，二人能以定下的時間表好好展望將來。可是，假設他於兩年後仍在玩不承諾的把戲，在無理由下原地踏步，原因只有兩個：一是他仍未準備好，糾纏下去可能只是長時間的等待；二是他心知肚明你非他茶，在覓到更好的對象前，何不騎牛搵馬？

 

　　騙去女人的感情會否令他感到罪咎？不完全是。他是否為此背上負心漢之名？又不必然。女人看的是關係，男人則是明買明賣。作為一個邏輯思考者，他知道作為成年人，女人有足夠的能力決定感情事。他並沒有錯。事實上，他不曾有任何確實的保證，沒有說過會與她結婚，也從不作出任何承諾，儘管如此，女人見神跡未現，仍堅持天天盼望，年復年地等候。說穿，她只是個在感情上的幼稚兒。

 

　　時間是女人最寶貴的財產，何以浪費？「與其為了他的不著緊而心碎，我何不自我檢討，扭轉思維，找個較易的懂得欣賞我的人。」(Oliver Goldsmith, She Stoops to Conquer, 1773)

 

　　為自己定下兩年的期限，並牢牢記下。這能減去你不少的痛苦。

 

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

 

Two Years !

 

　　A 45 year old lady sat crying in my office. Her boyfriend of twelve years had just broken up with her to marry a much younger woman he had met only ten months earlier….

 

　　Distressing this may be, nothing unusual nevertheless. We hear this kind of stories time and again,  how naive women would squander five, six, seven, ten…or more years of their precious youth, waiting in vain for someone to pop the question which was not to be, wondering in retrospect what they have done wrong. The devastation is oftentimes profound and the pain emasculating. Some women take a long time to heal, they are the lucky ones. Some women never really recover from a betrayal of such magnitude.

 

　　It is precisely for reasons above that we teach our clients to walk far, far away and as expeditiously as possible if the guys do not commit to marriage after two years. Two years is a long time; you could get your MBA, shoot a movie, write a book, have two babies, build a high-rise building and learn to fly a helicopter in less than that. The truth is, if he had thought you were right, he would have married you already. Herein lies the key, if you think he has a good, rock solid reason to wait, discuss his reason openly with him and set a time table. This will only be regarded as “pressure” if the feeling is not mutual, then at least you’ll know where you stand. If the feeling is in fact mutual, the time table would be something wonderful for both of you to look forward to. However, if he is just playing noncommittal or dragging his feet for no particular reason after two years, it can only mean one of two things: (a) he is not ready, and it could be a long wait until he is, or (b) he knows in his heart of hearts that you are NOT the one! Since he quite enjoys the ride, why get off before something better comes along?

 

　　Does he feel guilty leading his lady down the garden path? No, not at all. Does that make him a heartless demon? Not necessarily. Women are relational, men are transactional – he is simply a logical thinker and figures that she is an intelligent adult perfectly capable of making her own choices. He is not wrong. In fact, if he has never made any firm commitment, never said he would marry her, never offered any promise… and notwithstand¬ing all that, she still has not come to an epiphany but persists on waiting year after year after year, hoping against hope, then she is the one who is authentically moronic.

 

　　Time is the most valuable asset a woman has got, why fritter it away ? “…instead of breaking my heart at his indifference, I’ll… set my cap to some newer fashion, and look out for some less difficult admirer.” (Oliver Goldsmith, She Stoops to Conquer, 1773).

 

　　Set yourself a deadline of two years and carve it in stone. It could save you a lot of pain.

 

 

 《經濟通》所刊的署名及／或不署名文章，相關內容屬作者個人意見，並不代表《經濟通》立場，《經濟通》所扮演的角色是提供一個自由言論平台。

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【你點睇？】民主派初選案，45名罪成被告判囚4年2個月至10年不等，你認為判刑是否具阻嚇作用？► 立即投票