不送禮的情人節

　　在剛過去的情人節，收到價格高昂的花束及心思禮物的客人看來心花怒放，即使過去的愛情關係是如何沉悶，都在這天多添生氣；至於那些食白果或收獲不多的客人則看來一肚悶氣。面子要緊，有些人甚至會因為另一伴在節日時毫無行動表示使關係因此無疾而終。

 

　　單身女性之間，說到感情關係及男婚女嫁的話題，總是滔滔不絕的一大堆理論與原則，直至對話觸及物質上的慾望。我們往往聲稱性格、相處、價值觀位列在我們擇偶條件的榜首，只因聽來高尚；當我們被標籤為「花瓶」或「花瓶妻」的時候定必裝怒不可言，可是，當另一伴在物質上無表示時，又會在跺腳動氣。箇中因由？難道我們真的以一個男人的淨值來計算能否與他相處？又或是以銀碼來衡量他是否慷慨大方？又或者需要急切地重新檢視的是我們的價值觀、我們對愛情關係的看法，而非期待我們的另一伴會明白以上的種種糾結。

 

　　追源溯始，情人節從來都不是一個送禮或收禮的日子。大約在公元270年，當時的羅馬帝國在一片戰火之中，克勞狄一世急需更多戰士上場，可是少得可憐的徵集令他大失所望。哭斷腸的妻子與孩子們以淚水送別離開的戰士們，軍隊士氣大為受挫。憤怒不已的克勞狄一世為此禁止人民結婚，當時的天主教神父Valentine不認同克勞狄一世的做法，暗中為情侶主持婚姻儀式，他因而被囚禁，其後被處決。在公元496年的2月14日，他被追封為St. Valentine，這一天從此被命名為情人節，以宣揚愛情及婚姻，並不曾有紀錄顯示會在這天交換禮物。

 

　　回溯我們的歷史，以現今的中國版圖來看，新石器時代始於約公元前10,000年，而歷史記載下來的第一個帝國是夏朝（公元前2100年至1600年），隨後是商朝、周朝、春秋戰國時期……縱觀歷史，傳統上並沒有強調過男人需要向女人送贈奢華的禮物來表達愛意，除非是富商要一擲千金來打動大戶人家的淑女（大多涉及商業上的計算），或是納出身較卑微的女人為妾（把婚姻看成交易），正常情況下，男方只會在訂婚時送禮下聛。互贈留念的都是些小東西，例如一首美麗的詩詞、一把扇、一條手帕……這些贈品肯定是隨心相送，而非在特定日子送贈。

 

　　在世界上的眾多愛情經典故事中，甚少出現「送禮」來表達愛意的一環。由巴比倫戀人Pyramus及Thisbe的神話故事、希臘的 Odysseus 及 Penelope的愛情故事，以至羅密歐與茱麗葉的悲劇……由梁山泊與祝英台之戀、白蛇傳，以至牛郎織女的故事……沒有一個愛情故事會以送禮來表達情意。事實上，表達愛意所講的是完全、無條件、無私的「付出」。

 

　　一件盛載心意、深思熟慮挑選的禮物會成為雙方珍貴無比的紀念品；在零售市場大力推廣下，我們的價值觀被污染，判斷力被左右，結果大家隨波逐流地購買禮物。選購禮物不是按照傳統，而是商業策略促使的行為。數之不盡的廣告薰陶我們按照日曆選購禮物的重要性。根據美國零售聯合會的數據，2015年美國零售銷售總額達6,305億美元，聖誕節後的「退貨」總額為946億美元，即15%。隨著網購持續上揚， UPS的「退貨」包裹，單是在1月首周已高達五百萬件。由此可見，「為買而買」去挑選禮物是一件如此困難又無意義的舉動。

 

　　我與丈夫之間很少會在生日、聖誕或情人節等互贈禮物，但當他知道我邀請我的朋友回家共進晚餐，他會與工人到街市買餸，為我們準備一頓盛宴；同樣地，當天氣轉涼，我會為他準備保暖內衣及厚羊毛襪。這些或看來微不足道，但足以令我們好好地相處了數十載。

 

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

 

Expression of Love

 

　　For the Valentine’s Day just past, clients who have received overpriced flowers and fancy gifts were notably elated, even dull relationships were exuberantly transformed. Clients who have received nothing or less were sulking. Feeling a loss of face,  some brazenly opined to ditch their men who would not be galvanized into action….

 

　　Among single women , there is this breathless talk of “relationship”  and the potential of marriage, i.e. until it succumbs to the attrition of materialistic wants. We proclaim the importance of personality, compatibility, values  ad infinitum, because it sounds noble. We even feign anger when labeled as a flower vase or a trophy wife… but then we stamp our feet when ostentatious gestures are not forthcoming ! Perhaps scratching a little deeper, we do compute compatibility by a man’s net worth, and measure generosity of spirit in direct correlation with dollar signs ?  Instead of expecting our men to understand this spate of controversy, perhaps it is our own sense of value, our attitude towards relationships that urgently need to be re-examined . 

 

　　For starters, Valentine’s Day was never about giving or receiving gifts at all.  Around 270 AD, the Roman Empire was at war, Emperor Claudius desperately needed  more soldiers. To his disappointment, few enlisted. Departing soldiers were often sent off by weeping wives and sobbing children which dealt severe blows to army morale. Furious, Claudius outlawed marriage altogether . Valentine, a Catholic priest, defied the Emperor and continued secretly to unite couples in matrimony. He was imprisoned and later executed. On 14th February, 496 AD, he was canonized as St. Valentine, and this day was named Valentine’s Day, dedicated to celebrating love and marriage. No gift exchange was ever recorded.

 

　　Going back to our own history, the Neolithic age in China began in about 10,000 BC, and the first dynasty ever recorded is the Xia Dynasty (2100 to 1600 BC), followed by the Shang,  Zhou, Spring & Autumn Period, Warring States Period…eventually, from Imperial China to Republican China… Throughout the length and breadth of our history, a man giving fancy gifts to a woman as an expression of love was never a strong part of our tradition. Except when an affluent man is flaunting his wealth to impress a lady from powerful families (usually with commercial ulterior motives), or to acquire a concubine from humble circumstances, (rendering the courtship a transaction),  a normal man would otherwise only offer gifts to the woman by betrothal. Casual mementos if and when given, would be small and trivial, such as a beautifully written poetry, a fan, a handkerchief… and definitely more spontaneous  rather than date specific.

 

　　Noteworthy is that in all the greatest love classics of the world, the giving of “gifts”  as an expression of love was seldom featured. From Pyramus and Thisbe of Babylon, Odysseus and Penelope of Greece to Romeo and Juliet… From our Liang Shanbo and Zhu Ying tai, Legend of the White Snake to The Cowherd & Weaving Maid…… Not a single one of these love stories expresses love by taking gifts. In fact, the expression of love has always been about ‘giving’ -  totally, unconditionally and selflessly. 

 

　　Whilst a well thought out gift which carries a message from the heart makes a priceless keepsake, coerced purchases made as a result of the retail industry’s marketing offensive  contaminate our sense of value and compromise our judgment. Gift buying is not a historical tradition, but a commercial strategy.  Relentless advertising wants us to believe  in the significance of gift purchases by the calendar. American retail sales totaled US$630.5 billion in 2015, according to the National Retail Federation, post Christmas returns accounted for US$ 94.6 billion or 15%. UPS alone handled five million returns the first week of January,up 20%  as online sales continue to grow. It goes to show what a difficult task and meaningless exercise random gift purchasing really is. 

 

　　My husband and I seldom buy each other gifts for birthday, Christmas, or Valentine’s Day...He did rush out to the wet market with the helper, and together prepared a scrumptious feast for us when he heard I was bringing my girlfriends home to dinner. Likewise when the weather became really cold, I ran out to buy him warm underwear and thick woolen socks…  This may not be much, but it has served us well for decades.

 

 

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