偷食男女

　　男女步進「穩定」的關係，莫論是否已婚，文明人該知道忠誠是心照不宣的盟誓，而且是出於互相尊重多於條文的責任。不能遵守這個基本約定的人會被視為「出軌」，嚴重違反承諾。

 

　　在美國、歐洲、亞洲發表的研究均顯示相同的趨勢：第一，出軌者以男人居多，但出軌的女較男人更無情。第二，出軌後，西方男女傾向坦白承認，但亞洲人較多選擇否認或以謊言包裝。

 

　　一個令人擔憂的趨勢近來浮現，接受西方教育的中國男女漸漸選擇美式的「開放式婚姻」，誤信坦承是緊貼時勢。有些人坦承出軌是為引起伴侶的忌意，誤以為這樣做可重燃婚姻的激情，擦出愛火。另一些人則以此為最後通牒，表示伴侶最好循規蹈矩，不然依舊渴市的我將捨你而去。其他坦承出軌的人則是「老實人」，承認過錯是高尚的表現。可悲的是，大部分人的伴侶並沒有這種寬宏以待的西化想法，這些人正好解釋了香港達25至30%的離婚率。

 

　　出軌的男人一般而言有某些特質：基本上，他是個好人，努力工作，供養家庭。或許出軌源於他常到外地工作，或有豬朋狗友在危言聳聽，又或者以上全是用來掩飾心底慾望的藉口……有一天，當機會來臨，他沒有抵抗便與另一個女人發生了性關係，整件事不曾計劃過，只是自然地發生了，不過，事情一旦開展，內疚感會隨次數減少……

 

　　他嘗試把這部分從生活中區分出來，與家人相處時自然如昔。他嘗試說服自己從前我的不是這樣的，不過每當身處異地，他又很容易再次被迷惑。中國、泰國、台灣、菲律賓的環境，又或是互聯網的世界，這些都讓事情順利成章地發展，把只是曾經閃過的念頭或幻想化為真實。

 

　　我們不是美國人，某程度上，作為傳統中國人的我們不太接受「開放式婚姻」。常見的是，坦白招供只會讓你在劣勢中陷得更深。你將傷害到你所愛的人，你對寬恕的迫切乞求大不過你該真誠以待的責任，大不過你所施予的痛苦。坦承是殘忍的，那隱瞞可以嗎？我們活在一個緊密連繫的世界，小道消息較互聯網流傳得更快，她遲早會發現你的謊言，並因此大發雷霆。

 

　　會帶來怎樣的結果？你或會失去這段關係。又或者，你的伴侶願意留下來但無法原諒你。埋藏下來的怨恨不會輕易消逝，而且你的未來或會在伴侶的嚴密監控下過活。報復的念頭萌生，自然希望犯錯的伴侶會恨恨地一嘗惡果，如果有子女牽涉其中，後果更不堪設想。重建互信的路上滿布地雷，一路走下來，將有滿途的爆炸花火迎接。

 

　　下一步該怎樣做？如果只是犯上一次性的錯誤，就想一個永不再犯的萬全之策。如果習慣已成，難以自拔，你或應向伴侶坦白，最好在愛情關係治療師的在場下，把婚姻或個人的問題提出。

 

　　不管你選擇坦白招供或是隱瞞事實，再多的包裝亦藏不了出軌是錯誤的這個事實，想療癒關係，最好的方法是－永不背叛。

 

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

 

Cheating

 

　　When a man and a woman are in a “stable” relationship, absolute loyalty is understood among civilized people to be an unspoken pledge towards each other whether or not the two are married, more out of mutual respect than of contractual obligations. Failure to observe this fundamental commitment constitutes “cheating” -  a serious breach of trust.

 

　　Studies in the States, Europe and Asia are all showing the same trend: Firstly, there are more men cheating than there are women, but when women do cheat, they tend to be more ruthless. Secondly, western men & women tend to confess afterwards, whereas Asians prefer to deny or lie about their philandering. 

 

　　A worrying trend has now emerged that western educated Chinese men and women have chosen to adopt the American way of “open marriage”, mistakenly believing that confession would be the modern thing to do. Some confess  to make their spouses jealous, erroneously assuming this would help re-ignite the bygone passion and rekindle the spark in their stale marriage. Others use it as an ultimatum, you watch your step or I shall leave you cause I am still desirable. Still others confess because they are “honest”, and owning up to their mistakes make them sound noble. Sadly, most of their partners have not yet adopted the same western vision in the way of forgiveness, which partly explains Hong Kong’s 25-30%  divorce rate today.

 

　　The profile of the averaged man who cheats probably looks like this: He is basically a nice guy, works hard and provides for his family. Perhaps it was the business travels, bad influences from roguish friends, or may be these were  all excuses used to cover up secret urges inside him…One day, such an opportunity arose and he didn’t resist it. He had sex with another woman… didn’t plan it, it just happened…But once he started, the second time felt less guilty… 

 

　　He would try to compartmentalize this part of his life and disregard it when he was home with his family.  He would try to convince himself that it wasn’t part of who he was…but when he travels, he would become easily distracted again. The environment in China, Thailand, Taiwan, Philippines… the internet… have made it all too easy.. and bring to reality what was once just an idea or fantasy.

 

　　We are not Americans, the traditional Chinese blood inside our veins doesn’t quite accept “open marriage” to this extent. More often than not, confession only makes a bad situation worse. You’ll be hurting someone you love, your urge to beg forgiveness doesn’t  outweigh your responsibility to be kind, nor gives you the right to inflict pain. Confessing is cruel. How about concealing ? We live in a high density society where the grapevine is more efficient than the internet, she’ll find out sooner or later and goes ballistic anyway. 

 

　　The consequences? You could lose the relationship. Or your partner might stay but never forgive.  The underlying anger doesn’t subside easily and you might live under intense scrutiny for years to come. Retaliation, the urge to inflict pain on the errant partner is strong…worse if children are involved.  There is a lot of fall out in the aftermath as trust needs to be rebuilt, there will be plenty of mini explosions along the way. 

 

　　What to do then? If this was strictly a onetime mistake, consider working out a plan that will prevent this from ever happening again. If this is a pattern of behavior, then the problem goes deeper and you might need to come clean to your partner – either a marital or personal problem that needs to be addressed,  preferably in the office of a therapist.

 

　　Regardless whether you choose to confess or conceal, cheating is wrong whichever way you twist and turn it and the best remedy for your relationship is therefore, simply, not to cheat. 

 

 

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