在我的媒人經歷中，其中一件最令我百思不得其解的事情，就是很多人會因為只有少許或沒有「化學反應」而離開跟他們相當匹配的對象。我不時會想究竟他們真的了解何為「化學反應」嗎？

　　事實上，「化學反應」是其中一個由美國興起的時尚小語，用來形容情侶間溫馨、像霧又像花的感覺。又有人稱它為迷戀、愛或激情，有些人認為這是病，因為沉醉在強烈化學化應中的戀人會失去理智，他們會壟斷對方的時間與想法至一個荒謬的程度，在神經過度疲勞的狀態下，他們所做的任何事情都是在互相摧毀對方的多巴胺受體。這樣的關係甜美浪漫嗎？是的，這正是愛情小說、歌曲及電視劇創作人讓我們相信的愛情。他們是否不負責任？他們的工作就是要創作出會暢銷的作品，而戲劇化的愛情風暴往往能登上熱賣榜。

　　康乃爾大學的教授Cynthia Hazan相信強烈的化學反應對一段愛情關係而言相當重要。她為社會及人格心理學下了新的定義。把生物化學及心理因素計算在內的「當代關係學」影響我們對伴侶的選擇。Hazan鑽研整個神經化學的演進過程，當中包括氣味的威力……Hazan的想法對嗎？真的能以科學計算伴侶的合適度嗎？

　　我有不同的想法。Hazan是美國人，而美國只有200年歷史，這個國家善於運用媒體宣傳，自然能為自己發聲，不過，或者稍為轉個角度，就以同性婚姻為例，當一些人的聲音較響亮，就代表這些人所表達的是正確的嗎？要把我們未來的幸福押注在一個能挑起我們的性慾與情感，令我們目眩神迷的人身上嗎？猶記得我在倫敦的溫布利欣賞過一場米高積遜的演唱會。燈光、音樂、氣氛配合下的場面是多激動人心。觀眾著迷地狂呼，有些激動得快要暈倒……這些會令米高積遜成為理想的丈夫嗎？

　　「化學反應」其實是件極為危險又一瞬即逝的事，尤其是對於戀愛初哥。被「化學反應」影響的人苦於被關係的強烈起伏所折磨，迷戀時的迫切渴望否定常識。感覺對了，但你知道你倆在一起是件錯的事情。你知道他其實有多差勁，但你就是不能不見他。想法已歪曲，判斷變得武斷，「我不在乎他已經結婚，我們是天生一對的！」你的朋友及家人盯著你，實在驚訝得講不出聲。這種經歷既墮落，又驚心動魄，並永遠不會令你忘記人不竟是動物。這就是化學反應。

　　我相信所有事情都有屬於它的時間及地點。如果你年紀尚輕、生活自由自在、嚮往冒險又追求歷練，何不一試？放手一嘗暴風般的愛情會令你成長。可是，假如你已年過30、追求婚姻，仍追求愛情的化學反應就是叩錯門了。看看那些令人豔羨的荷李活眷侶之間澎湃的化學反應，熱情過後，他們最終卻在離婚庭上互敲對方的腦門。這都是化學反應。

　　不要混淆「匹配」與「化學作用」。「匹配」是指生活方式與價值觀有類近之處。一段非常匹配又少有化學作用的關係雖然略為沉悶，但大多是穩定的。另一方面，有化學作用但不匹配的關係多半是場災難。不是說化學作用不重要，只是不能過分看重。沒有人要醉倒後才願意吻她的男人。兩人在一起需要相當的舒適度，你對他要有足夠的好感才會享受跟他在一起。換句話說，即使沒有轟轟烈烈地愛個你死我活，你都可以擁有一段美好的婚姻。真實是當熱情冷卻，你們便要開始共同面對生活。

　　追求愛情的化學反應如追求彩虹。下次，當遇上擁有正確的價值觀、良好的根基、跟你有共同目標，又有好的個性的人，忘掉甚麼化學反應吧！

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

“Chemistry” in Relationships

　　One of the greatest frustration I experience as a matchmaker is that many people would walk away from  perfectly promising candidates on the grounds that they have little or no “chemistry” !  I often wonder if they truly understand what “chemistry” really is ?

　　“Chemistry”  is in fact, one of those fashionable little words imported from America, where people use loosely to define that warm, fuzzy feeling between lovers. Some call it infatuation, love or passion, others call it sickness, because people affected by a high degree of chemistry would become irrational, they monopolize each other’s time and thoughts to a ridiculous  extent, and any basic traits of their behavior would ravage each other’s dopamine receptors in a neurological over-indulgence of languor. How deliciously romantic ?  Yes, this is precisely what writers of romance novels, love songs and TV soaps would have us believe.  Are they being irresponsible?  their job is to write what sells, and juicy love tornados always sell.

　　Professor Cynthia Hazan of Cornell University believes that a high level of chemistry in relationships is absolutely essential. She helped define a new field of study in social and personality psychology. This “contemporary relationship science” dwells on the bio-chemical and psychological  factors that affect our choice of a spouse.  Hazan explores all sorts of  neurochemical processes, including the power of smell… Is Hazan right? is there really a scientific way to measure the suitability of a spouse ? 

　　I beg to differ. Hazan is American, and America is only 200 years old. Strong in media propaganda, they often make themselves heard, however twisted their views might be, such as  same sex marriage for instance. When someone is loud, it doesn’t mean someone is right. Should we be choosing a spouse based on the intensity of static electric charges ? Bet our future happiness on someone whose sexual and emotional appeal would make our heads spin and ignite flames in all our organs ?  I remember attending the Michael Jackson concert in Wembley, London. The lighting, the music, the atmosphere was totally electrifying. People screamed in ecstasy, some even fainted…… Does that make Michael Jackson the ideal husband ??

　　“Chemistry” is in fact, an astonishingly dangerous ephemera, very especially to love novices. People under the influence of chemistry  suffer  extreme highs & lows, the feeling of obsessive yearning negates common sense. It’s when it feels so right, but you know it’s so wrong. You know he is wicked but you cannot stop seeing him. Your thoughts distort..You justify arbitrarily, “I don’t care if he’s married , we belong together ! ” as your friends and family stare at you, jaws agape. The experience is vicious yet thrilling, and will never let you forget that we are, after all, animals. That’s chemistry.

　　I believe there is a time and place for everything. If you are young, footloose and fancy free, looking for adventure and experience, why not?  by all means have a thunderous affair, it grows you up. However, if you are 30+, looking for marriage, the quest for chemistry is misguided. See how many sizzling hot Hollywood lovers with explosive chemical reactions end up beating each other’s brains out in divorce courts when the flames subside… So much for chemistry. 

　　Confuse not “compatibility” with  “chemistry”.  “Compatibility” refers to similarities in lifestyles and values. A relationship high in compatibility and low in chemistry is likely to be  stable, albeit slightly boring at times. Chemistry without compatibility on the other hand, usually leads to disaster. Not that chemistry is unimportant, just that it should not be overrated. Nobody should have to get drunk to kiss her man.  A high comfort level is necessary, you need to like him enough to enjoy his company.  In other words, you can  certainly have a successful marriage with someone without any electrifying obsession. Reality is when the passion fades and you start building a life together.

　　Chasing chemistry is chasing rainbow. Next time when someone with the right  values, good fundamentals, common goals and a healthy personality comes along, forget chemistry.